Nothing changes if nothing changes
On harsh realizations, panic, and transformation
Holiday Season (again?!): Tempis Fugit
It’s that time again. The end of 2023 is less than 6 weeks ago and the self-audit has begun. My awareness of the end of the year started in August. I used the “Time Date” website to figure out how many days and weeks are left in 2023 to motivate me to effect the changes I have been writing about in my journals, my scripting exercises, and asking for in my prayers. And the idea that the grand plans I had at the top of 2023 were nowhere near being realized scared and frustrated me. And they still do.
As a lawyer, I work a sedentary job. I am used to working 50-hour weeks. Building my workout schedule and my social life around my job - the jobs I had in the Middle East allowed me to have a life after work. Coming home to NYC in 2019 was a slap in the face and the transition was not easy. And it still is not easy for a variety of reasons. But I will get into that in a bit. During Covid, I lived alone on Wall Street in Manhattan, I worked 70-hour weeks during Covid to pay my expensive rent and keep things moving, and I joined Weight Watchers and went cycling after my work day. It was an exhausting and lonely existence. I weighed 188lbs, but I could still do a backbend and cycle pretty far.
Sometime in 2021, I moved home to my mom’s apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. It was a generous way for Mom to help me out - I was paying $4000 a month in rent during Covid and my attempts to land a big legal job in NYC were not panning out. I hung up my law firm shingle and, while working on project work, did the work to build my brand, put a website up, join business groups, take online acting classes with Carl Ford and Susan Batson, picked up my tennis racket and joined the local tennis community, and gained 25lbs despite my best efforts to keep it off. There is something about living with my mom that made me lazy - maybe because my mom is more about comfort and enjoyment than she is about exercising and physical tests. Mom had a serious rehabilitation in her twenties and has been allergic to exercise ever since.
My father, on the other hand, was a national-level athlete on three teams (field hockey, soccer, track & field) in Egypt. I grew up with the idea that sports is life. And I always had a sport and when I didn’t have a sport, I was in the gym or running. It was easy to stay fit before Covid - when we were out in the world, running here and there, and there was a momentum to life. Covid scrambled that vibe, at least for me.
Before I moved home, I had a daily exercise practice. Moving home to my Mom’s house softened me.
Panic
As time moves marches swiftly toward the end of the year, I look at my “to do” list that takes forever for me to work through. If I think about that list and the fact that as of today, there are 41 days left of 2023, I have an urge to panic. Panic because there aren’t enough hours in the day, I can’t cut down on my sleep without risking getting sick or fatter, and because I don’t want to take time and life for granted and I wonder, “How many of my days are exactly the same, or variations on a theme?) How does time fly so fast and I still am nowhere near my goals? It is frighting and fascinating.
I have been contemplating the concept of “time” for the last few weeks. And considering the gap between where I am now and where I want to be. And how much time I waste, how I wish I had emotional control when I was younger as I spent so much time in my younger years trying to discipline my emotions - a skill I have now mastered, and how important it is not to panic because panic creates mistakes and silly missteps.
Time is running but if one is mindful and present, that time will mean something and not be “just another day”.
Motivation, David Goggins, and Earl Nightengale
I have always walked to the tune of my own drum. Having been bullied and excluded from a lot of activities in middle and high school, I became comfortable doing my own thing. My Catholic religious education, my relationship to God and my life experiences so far and the dialogue inside my head have led me to the following thought process: God has a plan for me, maybe I needed to rest, and nothing happens that isn’t supposed to happen. But does God want me to be fat and sedentary?
While I work at my desk, I often listen to YouTube podcasts - lately, I have binged on videos of David Goggins and Earl Nightengale, my new virtual mentors.
David Goggins is the “zero to hero” story of a black man who fought dyslexia, family abuse, poverty, and obesity to become a Navy Seal and “All Around Alpha Man” - who has run and won or placed in 24-hour-long 100 mile races and has become an accidental motivational speaker whose most famous motto and call to action is, “Stay hard!” As my own personal goals for 2024 have begun to crystallize, among them getting back into my top atheletic shape, I found my thoughts, conclusions and some of his habits (e.g., journaling, creative visualization) were extremely aligned with those of David Goggins - or “Goggins” - as reflected in this David Goggins interview with Rich Roll in 2019. I think you call that kismet or serendipity.
The bottom line is that Goggins is all about a ruthless work ethic, he makes and takes no excuses, speaks his mind, and is very honest about his struggles and victories. If you have not listened to Goggins before, it’s worth listening to what he has to say. Goggins is funny, macho, blunt, and relentless. He will inspire you if nothing else. He inspired me to be sure.
I stumbled upon Earl Nightengale’s The Strangest Secret a few years ago and try to listen to it regularly, as Earl - a 1950s radio star with the most amazing 1950s radio voice and who was the forerunner to the modern creative visualization gurus - recommends.
Earl talks about how to have the right mindset is the determining factor in whether you will end up a success or failure. He talks about an imaginary set of 100 men who all start out their adult lives full of vim and vigor and how only a small handful of those men would end up millionaires at the end of their lives while the majority would be in poverty or struggling to survive. The difference between the men who “arrived” and the men who were struggling to survive was/is mindset. It really is a matter of “your thoughts become things”.
Transformation and radical action
About a week ago, I had an intuition that I have to start a transformation journey and document it on YouTube and Instagram. I guess the reason my intuition is calling on me to publicize my personal transformation plans is to hold me accountable.
One of the things that Goggins says is something like, “You are the masterpiece”. It doesn’t matter what is going on in your life, if you’re single or coupled, if you’re young or old, if you’re tired, in a bad mood - whatever - you have to take yourself seriously and fight for your life. Goggins is all about staring big challenges in the eyes and meeting those challenges.
I have not had time to put the channel up or think about what exactly I’ll call it - but I’m excited about it. That tells me that I’m on the right track.
What I do know for sure is that I am too fat, I am too sedentary, and I will only deteriorate if I do not get up and start moving around. I am lucky, I have athletic genes and a vivid muscle memory. One of my goals for this transformation - aside from going from the 213.2lbs that I weighed in at this morning to 135lbs - is to be able to do a backbend again. There is nothing like being strong and flexible in your body and being in top phyiscal condition.
While I know the journey on which I am planning to embark very shortly will be long and arduous, I am excited. I am excited about pushing myself. I am excited about reinventing myself. I am excited about creating a masterpiece that is me.
Because nothing changes if nothing changes.
I hope you will join me on my 2024 journey.